Fordham Veteran's Writing Project - Bronze Star with "V" Device

Bronze Fordham Veteran's Writing Workshop - Star with “V” Device – Bernie Seiler On a hot summer day in 1970, the 11th Armored Calvary Regiment’s F Troop was called to a formation, somewhere in Tay Ninh Province, Vietnam. Surprised by this formation, none of us knew the purpose of this hurriedly called event. As we gathered ourselves into a semblance of order, a helicopter circled overhead and then landed. Carrying the Regimental commander, he jumped out of his helicopter, ducking low to avoid the copter’s rotary, and striding over to our location.

Alongside the company commander, he began addressing this motley group of soldiers, looking every bit as ragged as one would expect for a group of men having been in the field for over 9 months straight. He proceeded to congratulate the troopers on their successful repelling of a sapper attack during the prior week. He talked about bravery, endurance, patriotism, and his pride in F Troop.

At some point during the address, the company commander brought the regimental commander over to where I was standing. I saluted him and to my shock and complete embarrassment, he pinned a Bronze Star with a “V” device on my dusty, smelly fatigues. He thanked me for my dedication to the Army and the part I had played in the previous week in helping to save F Troop from certain devastation. Although I got through the ceremony, I have to say that my most prominent emotion as I looked down at the Bronze Star was fury at being singled out and awarded something that in my opinion, was not deserved. Didn’t he know that during the repelled attack that I was not thinking about protecting the troops, but rather saving my own ass? Didn’t he know that I had chosen to enlist in the Army to select an easier slot in the OCS Armor School program, to avoid winding up as a grunt, slogging through the jungles on foot? Didn’t he know that I did not really support the Vietnam War and was too cowardly to move to Canada or to pursue a deferment by changing my college degree to education to avoid the draft? Didn’t he know there was almost nothing I liked about being in the Army? Couldn’t he see that by awarding me this medal that he was making a horrible mistake?

I recall taking the Bronze Star off, placing it in my storage box and never looking at it until I eventually got back home. As I unpacked my belongings, I saw the Bronze Star and decided to give it to my father, rather than keeping it for myself. I knew he would be touched by the gesture, feeling pride in its possession…unlike my own complicated feelings about receiving the medal. Years later, the Bronze Star was returned to me by my father when he was in a nursing home, along with his own Marine Corp brass, dog tags, pictures and other military paraphernalia. It was a touching moment for me. I think that might have been the moment when my feelings started to change about my Bronze Star and the beginnings of my healing from a bad case of “imposter syndrome.”

Much later I began to volunteer at the FDR Veterans Hospital in Montrose, NY, interacting with veterans and staff on a more personal level. I recall mentioning to a couple of them my struggle with military awards, and they were incredulous that the Army had never given me the medals that I was due, other than the Bronze Star, while in Vietnam. They retrieved the necessary paperwork for me to submit to the Army, so I could rightfully claim my medals. Although about 46 years late, I eventually received a box from the Army with several medals and ribbons for my service inside.

I now have a shadow box hanging next to my computer at home, including my medals, ribbons, patches, dog tags, and Army brass. I look at that small collection on a regular basis now. No longer do I have the extreme sensation that they were somehow a challenge to me, or that I didn’t deserve them. Rather, I look at them with a small measure of pride, but still not completely sure if that young soldier measured up to all that they represent.